The next morning, after I had received the news, my leaders were told by my roommate what had happened and they came to me and asked if I needed to be home. With tears I said yes, but that I had no way of getting there. For once, I felt stuck, alone and stranded in a place I had started calling home and that I loved very dearly. I wanted to go home- to Georgia, to say goodbye to person who had stood by my side for the past years, praying over my calling and constantly urging me to strive for what God had placed on my heart. Never once had she uttered a doubt or fear in what God had called me to do. Every step of the way, throughout this past years journey, she walked the road with me, despite the miles and miles we were separated by. I could not wait to come back to the States in January and show her all the pictures from the outreaches. To share the stories in full detail and see her face to face. She was planning on attending, with her husband, a missions cross cultural training, and she was so excited about it. Her faith was growing and the calling had reached out to her and her husband. Never was I so happy as the thought of them joining on the mission field. They would be great. They are amazing people who love God and serve him whole-heartedly.
In one moment, those dreams and moments were snatched away and I felt an emptiness that even now I struggle to explain. she was Georgia, church, home visits, Saturday night calls and laughter about everything. She knew me and she loved me regardless. I knew her and I loved her all the more for it. Her deep desire to see a revolution of worship in our church and equal passion for missions to become a church and community wide focus were defining is what her heart cries were. Last year I came to a place where I needed a place to stay and prepare in peace to go to Asia for missions. She stepped in and offered her home and her life. Her family took me in and I became an integral part of their life. Prayer times, family gatherings, worship practices and Christmas event planning's~ I was included. This changed my life and our relationship. It became deeper and we became family... I was amazed. Then it was all gone.
My discerning leaders understood this more than I can say and told me that I was going to get home and we would pray for provision. I spent that night on the phone, finding out information, getting a place to stay and a ride from the airport. My leaders spent that night finding a roundtrip plane ticket, booked it with their own credit card and at 6 am, Saturday morning, I was up, packed and ready to go, engaging in a lively conversation with my program leader and also helping out some local Hong Kong students with their English at the airport. I was soon boarding a plane, with two hours sleep, a frappe in my system and two carry-ons. I slept for most of the 21 hour flight, and was happy to see my brother at the airport in Atlanta, despite being emotionally drained. The entire flight, when I was awake, I was in a daze and kept telling myself that this could not be real. My friend would still be alive when I arrived and this was all a bad joke, a nightmare, a lie. Anything but reality. But I knew it was real, and there was no way to escape it. I spent the night at my mom's house and on Sunday morning, attended the church I had once taught at and my friend had been the worship leader. Whether it was the jetlag or the two hour sleep the previous night, when the service started, I was a wreck. Her husband, so strong in the Lord, stood up in front of the church and praised God for who He is, no matter the circumstances. The look on his face was heavenly and I cried softly.. Stephanie would be proud..so proud of her family. The funeral was that afternoon, and the weather appropriately mimicked my heart as it poured heavy rain from heavy clouds.
I have been blessed to spend time with the people that knew Stephanie and knew of how close our relationship was. I have spent time with her daughter, age almost 5, who Stephanie once said, "I'm not sure whether you two are like Aunt and niece or sisters!" (a fair comparison, she was correct..) I have taught my old Sunday school class and shared with my church in honor of God and Stephanie about leaving an Epic Legacy and having His broken heart. I spoke with a young man who is interested in missions and was able to encourage him to pursue what God has placed in His heart. I seen off one of my Sunday School students to college and congratulate others on their Senior year. I have had a mini-photo shoot with Stephanie's daughter (in the back of a car) and sat with her in church, cuddled with her at her mimi's house and given her more gifts than can possibly be good for a child. I have talked with Brad, my friend and Stephanie's husband and was finally able to give him the tie I had bought for him, since I had made a promise I would give him a tie in honor of him becoming a preacher soon. We have prayed together, cried some together and laughed with Zoie together. I have spent time with my missions coordinator at her house that she welcomed me into, shared funny and serious stories with her and enjoyed getting to know her even more. I spent time with an old friend I hadn't seen since the last time I left for Hong Kong (I still cannot believe it had been that long) and watched Despicable Me 2 for some much needed comic relief (which, I am happy to say, has now made it into my favorite movies list, right in there with Kung Fu Panda).
I have been amazed at the love that I have experienced. This is not even all of the moments that I know I will come to treasure. Once I get back to Hong Kong, I have a lot of catching up to do and studying. Yet, I know that if I had remained in Hong Kong, my heart would be seriously wounded and not involved in anything going on there... my heart would have been all the way in Georgia, USA, towards a little girl with blond hair and blue eyes and her family I love so dearly.
However, this trip home has come at a cost. Not just the lost study time and homework. The lost moments of my local outreach and classes. It has come at a cost to my leaders, as they paid for the tickets from their credit card. They live not that differently from me~ they are long term missionaries who live by faith and the Grace of God and I would be greatly in error if I took this for granted and went on with life without presenting this request to this other side of my community. Please give to these wonderful people who have so unselfishly given out of their own need. If you feel so led, whether to give $1 or $100 or %1000, please leave a comment, message or email me and I will work with you on the best and easiest way to donate. I thank you all for your giving hearts and trust you asking the Lord for His will and blessing in this.
Missionary life requires more than I ever considered, and the past two weeks have taught me this, in ways I never knew I needed to know. Being a missionary is different but not in everything. Yes, we spend time in prayer every day for the nearly 2 billion people still needing to be reached. Yes, we spend countless hours reading the Bible every week and listening for His clear voice and guidance for our lives. We spend time prepping and planning and organizing for outreaches and daily life and dozens of things that have to do with what we are called to do. We spend time in the streets worshipping and praying and ministering. We listen, we talk we pray. We give out food, roses notes and anything that will remind people that God is real and He is near. We lay on our faces in worship and cry out to God Almighty for deliverance of people enslaved both emotionally and bodily.
This is all true.
But we are still people. We go to church on Sunday and sing in the worship team. We go to McDonald's and complain about eating fast food in Asia. We laugh about the little kids pulling on their parents arm to go see the ferry in the harbor. We write letters home, update our blogs and fuss over newsletters. We read them to each other to make sure they sound okay, or ask for fresh ideas on how to tell people how awesome God is and what He is doing here without boring people back home. We buy calling cards and Wi-Fi connections. We talk for hours on Skype and FaceBook with friends and families and churches. We take pictures of where we are and what we are doing~ for our pleasure and the people's back home curiosity. We forget our umbrellas in typhoon season, we wish we could go to the movies and we hang out with the people who have Netflix. We become saddened that life back 'home' passes on as if time does not care that we are not there. Graduations, babies, marriages, dating, relationships, divorces, fires, tornados, sickness, jobs, LIFE. We miss out on all of this. We miss holidays and the traditions. WE miss the pageants and the chivalry. We for sure are no longer a majority and we begin to see and feel the separation. Coming home for a funeral I never thought I would have to attend has been earth shaking for me. When it first happened, the only word I could grasp to explain what I was feeling was 'shattered'. My brother described it accurately when he said I felt like a glass ceiling was coming down on me and I couldn't stop it. I was over 8,000 miles from the people I felt needed me most, and I was powerless to do anything about it. This a reality I had never considered. People had no way of getting in contact with me and the only way they could figure out was to send a message on FaceBook. A shock to my system and a crushing blow to my heart.
My community, internationally, came together. I had plane tickets. I had a ride from the airport. I had a place to stay one night. I had a place to stay the remaining two weeks. I was amazed. I did not do any of this. God worked it out and I have been abundantly blessed. Overflowing and overwhelmed.
It has been good to be back in the USA. My heart is ready to return to Hong Kong, but I do not go back unchanged. I go back with a greater awareness of needing people. Of desperately depending on God. I go back with a deeper appreciation of people in general and my former independent spirit was been reduced enough to know that I need other people. My value of people has increased and I have learned the value of making sure people can contact me in the case of an emergency. My heart has enlarged in the desire of making sure to continue to invest in my young teenagers and also connecting with others in my community and church.
I apologize if this blog has been rambling, confusing, or incoherent. I have struggled to find words for two weeks, and this is the closest I have come to putting anything semi-readable together. Some things I still cannot put into words... one day I will. But that day is not today.
I love you all, and for those who have halped me in any way to get to the USA, or while I have been here or getting back, thank you SO MUCH and I pray a special blessing for each of you. You're all wonderful and a great blessing to me. I hope one day I can return it and pay it forward as well.
Peace & Blessings Ashley
~*~Leave a Legacy that will Make a Difference in the World Around You.~*~
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