Walking With God's Wrecking Ball: CompletelySurrendered

                        

       

I walked away. From my job. House. Dog. Boyfriend. Church.

For  some painfully odd reason, it's ok. I have a strange peace, even as it tears my heart. I loved my job (in general), I loved my dog (still can't find a home for her), I loved living by myself (though it was too big), I loved my boyfriend (though we were going different directions), and I loved my church (even if I felt I didn't quite fit). I loved it all, yet none fit as I horribly became overwhelmed with stress, fear, and separation. Stress with my job because I had no time to spend with people I cared about. Fear of not being able to return to Hong Kong when I had planned. Separation from actively being involved in ministries. Burdened by this, I knew I had to make a change. A drastic change. 

So I'm leaving. I'm leaving Georgia for a sabbatical, and making choices to reflect what I need and want in life. I need a rest. My stress had reached the level of creating pains in my heart and lungs, resulting in me getting an EKG and lab work done. My frustration of not being able to be with people and my church expanded, and the days since I've resigned my position have been beautiful, because I've actually been able to plan activities at night to be with my peeps. It was so refreshing and reinvigorating. I haven't had but one or two pains since then. I'm going to Kentucky and Chicago in order to rest, pray, job hunt, and seek God as to what this new season has for me. Among all of this, I have lost some very precious parts of my life, and it is more painful than I imagined. Yet I will push on, because I know there is a greater good, and I'm stripping down to basics. 

The other night,at a bonfire held for the youth group, I surrendered my idea (again) of what normal would look like. And with yet another bruised heart for this year, I look forward to a brighter day, and to one full of healing and hope. This is one of the hardest moves I have made, and it's not understood by many. Yet I seek not to please others, but only my God. I can say with assurance that I've done everything to the best of my ability, though for some that may never be good enough. I may be broken, and by accident, I may break others along the way, but it has certainly never been my intention.

The title of this, walking with God's wreaking ball, speaks to surrendering to the trials and 'interruptions' in life. For years I have struggled and fought against surrender. Last year, I began a true process of surrendering to God and His plan on my life. This year, I learned valuable lessons which have led me to the throne room of God in a humble, yet joyous, state of surrender. I no longer howl and wail as the wreaking ball turns my life inside out and upside down. I walk with it, allow it, assist in it. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do. This is the season of life I am in. 

I am now doing everything I can to live the life I want, one that brings honor to God and others. There is so much more to life than just a job and settling. I don't believe He ever meant for us to settle. He speaks of an abundant life, and I want to live life more abundantly. To do that, it will take action on my part. To turn from doing the same thing, and instead make a change. Life-changing changes. I want a great life, not by size or stature, but a great life that I can look back on in pride and joy. Realistically, I may never be the soccer mom with a townhouse. Honestly, it's never been my dream. But if I can reach a ripe old age and be the crazy aunt who has trunks full of adventure, stories, inspirations, souvenirs, and precious treasures from around the world, it would be worth the sacrifices. I want the next generation to be influenced by the life I live. I desire my teens, family, and friends, to look at my life and know that I did life fully. Fully and completely, for God and others. I don't know what the future holds. At the very least, may I be the crazy aunt with the mysterious smile, always ready with a story about the people she has given her life to love and serve in the name of her Savior. 

Peace & Blessings

Ashley 

Leave a legacy that will make a difference in the world around you.

This is "Completely" by Among the Thirsty. It is a beautiful song, and one I closely identify with at this season in my life. I will be posting more, with other songs that have been impressed upon my heart as they occur. Blessings, and enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ0JS9w6a1c&feature=youtube_gdata_player

A NewJourney

"..our heart is restless until it rests in you." ~ St. Augustine

Happy New Year!

2012. There are many words that could describe my path in the past year. Joyful. Tumultuous. Exciting. Hard. Opposites, yes, I know. When I returned from Hong Kong after Christmas Outreach of 2011, I had felt strongly that I was supposed to return immediately for my Discipleship Training School within the same month I had returned. I had no funds, except enough to get myself back to Hong Kong. I was less than a month from my college graduation, teaching teen sunday school, children's drama/dance at my church, helping my mom out with finances and I had a job that was patiently waiting for my return. Common sense said to stay and wait. My heart said to go. Logic said to raise all the funds. God said not to worry. In the end, I did stay in America for the year. I worked, I taught, I graduated and I helped. I also struggled, fought, changed jobs then lost my job. No words can describe the many other underlying issues that arose out of each situation. Each one harder than the last. Each one more frustrating and painful. So many trials in the year 2012, a year I would never repeat, no matter the money you could offer me. Yet it is this last year that God had such a gentle grace to speak gently to me and encourage me to continue on to what He called me to do. Through simple acts of kindness by friends or church members, I was reminded that I was not alone. When preparing to come back to Hong Kong, the Lord asked me, "Will you still go without the funds?" I was nervous and did not respond. After all, one of the reasons I hadn't returned so quickly was because I had no money. Surely God wouldn't send me without the finances! Yet when I spoke at a church event and seen the low numbers, I knew I was going to have to step out on faith. "Yes, I will go even if I don't have the funds." Even two weeks before flying back, when I was looking around my church and wondering how I would ever make it, He spoke to me and said simply, "I am your Provider." So this time, I came. Without logic, common sense or any idea of how God was going to come through for me. 2012 was a year in faith and trust building. I knew how to trust Christ when I have lacked nothing. However, this past year, I have learned to trust God when life fell apart. Friends stepped in. Family prayed. I made it back. By some miracle of God, I made it back to Hong Kong.

Despite all the harsh casualties in my life of 2012, I have so much to be thankful for and so many great memories as well. It was this year I became so close with a core group of friends and new family that I wouldn't know what to do without. Bowling nights, movie days, card games and chill times are so special in my heart while I am here in Hong Kong. Late night phone conversations, singing with my friends, my first pumpkin carving (complete with me roasting the seeds) and picking up a special 4 yr old from daycare, being proposed to by a 17 yr old student, going on my first real roller coasters with a friend and being called TinkerBelle and White Chocolate by my best friends. I remember my Sunday school students debating me about football, quizzing me about work and drilling me about relationships. So many precious memories to cling to! And how could I even think of leaving out my epic Christmas here in Hong Kong. Flying back to my Asian home, where once I place my feet on the ground, all was right in my world again. The chance to speak with people from all over the world about the amazing Gift of Christmas, God's only Son and salvation and grace and love! To dance and sing and share what the center of my life is about. I remember thinking at the first outreach, "Oh my gosh, I'm doing what I love and God told me to do it!" How blessed it that?! To see a group of minority children accept Jesus as their Savior, joy on the face of a teenage girl after encouragement and to even speak with two Jehovah Witness ladies and share truth with them- All of this makes the year that much brighter. I was able to meet great people who became friends, who when they leave, I miss so much! I had my first dance with a precious 3 yr old missionary toddler, had a Kung Fu Panda movie night and endless international cuisine- I couldn't ask for more. New Years Eve was epic, with a BBQ, singing, cultural traditions and seeing my first floating Chinese lanterns! We rang in the new year with popping balloons and baby powder splashed on our faces (Fiji tradition) and campfire games until 4 am. A large group of us were treated the next day to a Hong Kong theme park (Ocean Park) where I was privileged to see a panda up close, and so many other exotic animals, ride a cable car (epic fail. Still hate cable cars.) a train and spend a day with great people. The night ended with a fireworks, fire and water display at the park that was dazzling to the eyes and warmth to the soul. It was the perfect way to break in the new year. Then finally, today, my first Hong Kong church service near Star Ferry. It was amazing to see the energy of the pastor and hear his heart for the coming year. The first Sunday of 2013. What a way to celebrate. Communion, Psalm 104 during worship and then a great message. This is going to be an epic year. I feel at rest in where God has me now and where He is leading me. I trust in Him and His plan for my life. This year will not be like the last. Nor will the next year be like this year. This is a growing year of putting my trust and faith in action. Also, to push further into what God has called me to. There is more, so much more in His will and plan. So welcome to the journal of my new journey. Every person has a path they must travel, lessons that must be learned and people that need to be met. It is a new year, a new path and a new journey. Please continue the prayers for myself and the people here and the ones leaving/returning. Prayer for health, safety, wisdom, guidance, patience and clarity. I love you all, you are in my prayers as well. As always, I love to hear from you and answer any questions that you may have. Stay in touch! <3

By the way, posted are some photos of my friends in America and here in Hong Kong, plus from outreaches as well. Enjoy!

-Ashley
YWAM Hong Kong
~*~Leave a Legacy that will Make a Difference in the World Around You.~*~