For some painfully odd reason, it's ok. I have a strange peace, even as it tears my heart. I loved my job (in general), I loved my dog (still can't find a home for her), I loved living by myself (though it was too big), I loved my boyfriend (though we were going different directions), and I loved my church (even if I felt I didn't quite fit). I loved it all, yet none fit as I horribly became overwhelmed with stress, fear, and separation. Stress with my job because I had no time to spend with people I cared about. Fear of not being able to return to Hong Kong when I had planned. Separation from actively being involved in ministries. Burdened by this, I knew I had to make a change. A drastic change.
So I'm leaving. I'm leaving Georgia for a sabbatical, and making choices to reflect what I need and want in life. I need a rest. My stress had reached the level of creating pains in my heart and lungs, resulting in me getting an EKG and lab work done. My frustration of not being able to be with people and my church expanded, and the days since I've resigned my position have been beautiful, because I've actually been able to plan activities at night to be with my peeps. It was so refreshing and reinvigorating. I haven't had but one or two pains since then. I'm going to Kentucky and Chicago in order to rest, pray, job hunt, and seek God as to what this new season has for me. Among all of this, I have lost some very precious parts of my life, and it is more painful than I imagined. Yet I will push on, because I know there is a greater good, and I'm stripping down to basics.
The other night,at a bonfire held for the youth group, I surrendered my idea (again) of what normal would look like. And with yet another bruised heart for this year, I look forward to a brighter day, and to one full of healing and hope. This is one of the hardest moves I have made, and it's not understood by many. Yet I seek not to please others, but only my God. I can say with assurance that I've done everything to the best of my ability, though for some that may never be good enough. I may be broken, and by accident, I may break others along the way, but it has certainly never been my intention.
The title of this, walking with God's wreaking ball, speaks to surrendering to the trials and 'interruptions' in life. For years I have struggled and fought against surrender. Last year, I began a true process of surrendering to God and His plan on my life. This year, I learned valuable lessons which have led me to the throne room of God in a humble, yet joyous, state of surrender. I no longer howl and wail as the wreaking ball turns my life inside out and upside down. I walk with it, allow it, assist in it. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do. This is the season of life I am in.
I am now doing everything I can to live the life I want, one that brings honor to God and others. There is so much more to life than just a job and settling. I don't believe He ever meant for us to settle. He speaks of an abundant life, and I want to live life more abundantly. To do that, it will take action on my part. To turn from doing the same thing, and instead make a change. Life-changing changes. I want a great life, not by size or stature, but a great life that I can look back on in pride and joy. Realistically, I may never be the soccer mom with a townhouse. Honestly, it's never been my dream. But if I can reach a ripe old age and be the crazy aunt who has trunks full of adventure, stories, inspirations, souvenirs, and precious treasures from around the world, it would be worth the sacrifices. I want the next generation to be influenced by the life I live. I desire my teens, family, and friends, to look at my life and know that I did life fully. Fully and completely, for God and others. I don't know what the future holds. At the very least, may I be the crazy aunt with the mysterious smile, always ready with a story about the people she has given her life to love and serve in the name of her Savior.
Peace & Blessings
Ashley
Leave a legacy that will make a difference in the world around you.
This is "Completely" by Among the Thirsty. It is a beautiful song, and one I closely identify with at this season in my life. I will be posting more, with other songs that have been impressed upon my heart as they occur. Blessings, and enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ0JS9w6a1c&feature=youtube_gdata_player
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